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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Visions of sugar plumbs

I should really be out in the world doing some Christmas shopping but I just can’t get that kind of motivation today. Instead I will sit here and pay homage to all the lovely ways that people say f-you in their bustle to spread holiday joy.

Tis the season.

To the person who stole the Salvation Army kettle: what dark hole is left of your soul is sure to rot in hell. Couldn’t rob a quickie mart, mug an old lady, or abduct a senator for ransom? You had to steal from people who already have nothing. If times are that rough you should maybe ask the Salvation Army for assistance instead of helping yourself.

To the two morons who are trying to out shout each other for the last ________ (put hot toy here). It is a toy. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Lets be good parents and exercise compassion and humility. Yeah right! If your annoying “I was here first” and “this is the only thing on little Jimmy’s list” doesn’t work why don’t you entertain us all with some UFC action?!

My hat flies off to you lady of many pounds. You and your unyielding need to cart your stomach that drags the ground in the most annoying (beep…beep…beep) mode of transportation known to man. I said excuse me, you have the entire isle blocked, I would love to get past you both physically and mentally. My advice? Shop with a buddy or use the internet.

And last but not least: To the clueless woman on the phone who actually thought you had the right of way… screw you whore. I am not sure what parade float you fell from that made you think that yes, indeed, you are the queen of the universe but welcome to Earth lady. I realize it is a parking lot and those adorable little stop signs can’t really be enforced by law. This little detail does not give you the right to ignore them completely risking myself, my children and the lovely young man in his pick up truck behind me. They were probably put there for safety and not as a mere suggestion. Let’s hang up the phone, plug your brain back in and realize that it is just Bed, Bath, and Beyond. So, unless your hair is on fire or you are about have explosive diarrhea you can put those nasty comments back into that ugly sneer and slow it down.

Remember to play nice, Santa is watching!

Much love to all.

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