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Sunday, June 2, 2019

I can't do it for you Little Man.

I came across this in my drafts folder. It has to be two + years old. I don't want to lose it and I could probably learn quite a bit from it:  

Whoo. If someone would have told me how painful it would be to raise men when I prayed for a whole house-full of boys I may have... nope, never mind. I never would have listened.

Motherhood, in my opinion, is half heartbreak half pure joy. Emotionally speaking. The physical act of mothering is more about finding where that smell is coming from or who is to blame for the mess. But...The joy is in the big and the small and the heartbreak comes in ways unexpected. I ache to tell my boys things that they can only learn in due time. I find happiness in things that I know that don't matter to anyone but me. If I could I would save them from all of the painful life lessons that our days so unmercifully dole out. Time, she is a bitch. So as I sit here all teary eyed because I am just as emotional as my preteen but as stubborn as my 10 year old, I find I have quite a bit to tell them. I want to tell them all the future holds but honestly I don't know. If I could I would tell them all the things it has taken me a life to learn just to save them the pain of finding out. Dear boys, listen up!

There will be lots because you are a wonderful person. There will be all kinds; fun ones, honest ones, fake ones, loyal ones, casual ones, friends in passing, friends of friends, besties, frienemies, friends of all types.  Friends are wonderful and they give us something to look forward to. They are a sounding board for ideas and a safe place to land. Some friends aren't even friends but more like family. Life would be so lonely without the people we friend. Value each one. The people that pass through our life all have a specific purpose. Some are here for the long haul and others are just there to teach us to let go. Friends have the ability of coming in and out of our lives. Some will stay and some are just passing through. We lose friends in the most unexpected and painful ways. The hazard of caring is that it has the ability to hurt us so deeply. Don't stop caring. But know this, Dude- people that make you change who you are do not fall in this category and do not deserve your energy.

There is no way I can make you understand how incredible you are. I tell you all the time that it takes a long time to find your voice, your self. Who you are today will only enhance who you become. We are always growing, getting better. I wish you would give yourself the respect that I know you deserve. It won't be until you are much older, much more fed up of all the bullshit, before you see just how amazing you are. Just you. Your brilliant mind, your witty sense of humor, your handsome face, your amazing kindness, and your ability to love fiercely. That cannot be measured. Only time will show you that you can love you just as much as I do because you deserve it. Do your best! Don't bend or break for anyone. Stay true to yourself and it will take you far.

There is never enough. It seems, at your young age, that everything is so final but time marches on. Things will change, better, shift, lose luster, heal, all with time. It will take a long time before you appreciate that. Spend it wisely.

Love is a mess, mister. Love is so hard to understand. It comes in like a storm and just like a storm has the ability to wipe the slate clean. Love is a feeling that we will sacrifice ourselves for. Love is something that you should never take for granted and sometimes the one you need to be loving is yourself. Give it out, it feels good, makes the world a better place, but don't forget to save some for yourself. And if ever you find yourself so in love that the only reaction is to hang on with both hands then hold tight, baby, and weather that storm. I have my hands around you, son. I love you so much.

I am writing this and aching because it is not my job to save you. I can not and will not swoop in every time things get messy or don't work out the way you had hoped. My very painful job is to let you learn these things for yourself and to nudge you in the right direction just before you completely lose your way. All of these things I can tell you won't make a bit of difference until you have learned them for yourself. You are a good person and adolescence is rough but the best things in life don't come easy. You will look back, as a man, and use these painful times as a reference not a stopping point. You are going to be just fine. You do you!

Thursday, August 31, 2017

It's been a long time...

How quickly time flows in and through our hands. I have lost touch. I have not blogged since before I lost three of the most important people in my life. Their loss is what stalled my writing in all aspects of my life. Grief is such a heavy burden. It became too hard to think of things I wanted to say that weren't incoherent or just pure hate. I have even stopped all journaling, which is completely out of character for me.
I have reached a place that still heaves great sighs of loss but I am finally able to hold this big stupid head above water long enough to feel creative again. I have been working on a novel and plan to begin blogging again in one capacity or another.
I don't have anything fantastic to say today but wanted to hop on and say that I vow to try a little harder.

Thanks for being you.

Monday, July 1, 2013

U, V, W, X, Y, Z. Finishing Up With Mini Posts.

This is me cheating on a challenge. I knew this time of year was too crazy to begin an every day for 26 days project. My apologies. For sucking.

U – U is for Unconditional love.

I take the word unconditional very seriously. Without limits. I think there are only two people on this entire planet that I could ever love unconditionally and I gave birth to both of them. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dear husband with all my heart but if he were to become some wife beating, meth addicted, puppy killing, child rapist, I fear my love for him would wane. It will never happen, but those are my conditions. My kids on the other hand could be (but never will!) crazy ass, car-bombing, ax murdering, psycho killers and I would still love them. I don’t always have to like them. Love them? I just always will.

V - V is for Violence

I apologize for the previous paragraph and any damaging imagery it has caused you. The thought of any violence is sickening. I actually get queasy thinking about it. I don’t watch MMA, hate the idea that other places in this world actual still consider torture as valid punishment, and am truly disgusted by anyone who finds pleasure or necessity in hurting another.

W – W is for Widespread Panic

I was always a fan of this band but since marrying my hubs have pushed it to real close to the top of my list of favorites. We really enjoy seeing them together. We really enjoy traveling to see them, together. Enjoy my two favorites:

“Climb to Safety” is my favorite that they do. It was written by the wonderful Jerry Joseph (and the Jackmorons) but Widespread later threw it on an album and played the sh*t out of it. There is a kick ass version on YouTube with both Jerry Joseph and John Bell you might want to check out HERE. You are welcome.


X – X is for Xanex

Ha! Is this stuff like Valium was in the 50’s or what?! It is the “here shut up and do your lady duty” drug of the 21st century. I have a headache/tension/hang nail/bad mood/stress/trouble sleeping/dying pop career so I think I’ll take a Xanex. No judging but I once sewed an entire kitchen-dining room full of curtains and was paid in these pills! Heeey noooow… that was like an entire lifetime ago. But seriously. Then we took them for fun. No, seriously. When my buddy was sick and having treatments regularly requiring general anesthetic it was a lot for this mommy to handle. I actually blacked out in a waiting room waiting for him once. I run to my Dr. who solves everything with an Rx and told her what had happened. I am pretty anti-drug these days so I did not want her to load me up on a ton of prescriptions for depression or anxiety. I didn’t want to be a robot, I still had two small children depending on me every minute. I asked her if there was anything to help me get my sh*t together. Like a rescue inhaler for my anxiety attacks? She said she thought Xanex would do the trick. Huh. I bet. I tried it in a non recreational setting and it is just not any fun when it is not for fun. Needless to say, I’m crazy as ever and totally unmedicated. tee hee 

Y – Y is for Yellowbook

Also known as the Yellow Pages. A giant planet killing, unreliable, and horribly edited waste of energy. Why does this damn thing still exist? Does anyone ever use it? It is 2013!!! Call directory. I have called three times to have this piece of crap’s delivery stopped. Maybe someday I will get my way.

Z – Z is for Zero

I have Zero interest in ever doing another blog challenge. Ever. Like ZERO chances of that happening.

Thanks for reading.

Much love.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T. Catching Up With Mini Posts

My work schedule has changed and I have been very busy besides so I have lost a few days. Like more than a week. Summertime around here is pretty hectic and well… enough excuses. I made it almost halfway through the alphabet before I fell of the planet. Sue me.

M – M is for May.

May is my favorite month. The weather is usually looking up before it gets too hot. My birthday is in May. It marks the beginning of summer with the kids getting out towards the end of the month. May is also a polite way to ask for something “May I have another cookie?” and I really love manners. A family that is very dear to me also calls me May. When their oldest was tiny she had a rough time with Emilie and it would always come out like “Em-may” and from there on it has stuck, which I love. Melts my heart. So May is my name too. Mmm… May.

N – N is for Neighbors

We decided to build and then moved in about two years ago. In that time I have come across the finest group of people and feel very lucky to call them not just neighbors but friends. When they say “it takes a village” it is the truth, and we have a village. There is a close-ness that I don’t quite understand and hope stays for many many years to come. I consider myself lucky because we have found extended family where in truth sometimes neighbors just suck. Side note: it has also taught me I can cook for more than a dozen people at the drop of a hat!

O – O is for Optimism

This is a foreign territory for me. I am unfortunately a pessimist. Not only is my glass half empty, I will probably spill it before I get where I’m going.

P – P is for Patience 

Again, not my strong suit. I am forever praying for patience (I hear it is a virtue) but as with all things concerning our Dear Lord in Heaven, supreme being and master of irony and humor, it is not given but gained. Apparently when you pray for patience you are given ample opportunities to learn instead of just getting your way and being able to deal. So deal.

Q – Q is for Quiet

Quiet is something I am constantly on the search for. I love a comfortable silence and crave it just like Lay’s potato chips or chocolate. This is why for the past 13 years I have practiced yoga. I yearn for the discipline to quiet my mind. Ironically, quiet is something I scream for. I have a tad bit of tinnitus so even when it is most quiet, I do not hear silence. I am learning the hard way they are not one in the same.

R – R is for Reality T.V.

Is it just me or will they just make a show out of anything?!?! I have banned it from my life (mostly). My hubby… not so much.

S – is for Stay-At-Home-Mom

For the Stay-at-home-Mom portion of this post I would like to refer to this little gem in which I rant about stay at home moms. I do still consider, with much guilt, myself to be one. I realize both of my kids are in school but that leaves summer, right?! Right??? ok. Whatever. I do work out of the house some evenings but mainly, embarrassingly hold on to my previous full time title. I don’t pay for childcare so it still counts, right?

T – T is for Travel

I LOVE to travel. Who doesn’t? You would be surprised. A lot of people hate it. I, on the other hand, need it. I don’t care if it is by car, plane, boat, train or bus. Well… lets be clear, I would rather spend an eternity in a car jammed to the ceiling with kid crap and pillows than fly two hours even with plenty of leg room but I realize some evil is necessary. I have never in my life traveled by train but am eagerly wanting to. I don’t really care why but travel is something I feel drawn to do. I would love to see the world but a day trip three hours away suits me just fine too. Fancy cruise or camping trip. Does not matter. Must go. Now.    

I have a ton of crap to do and it is summer so maybe I will cheap out and do another group post. Who signs up for a giant daily commitment with kids under foot anyway? This dummy. Deal. (and I’m sorry)

Saturday, June 15, 2013

L is for Lego Land!

In nearby Kansas City we have a Lego Land Discovery Center. It is not big and fancy like the amusement park Lego Land but it was sure to be a day filled with Legos so we were very excited. I may not be able to put into words the obsession my kids have with the dang things, how much I love them too, how cool it was to be surrounded by them all day, or how amazing the Lego Engineers truly are so I will take a stab with loads of crappy photography.


2/3 pumped. 1/3 weirdo.


My little dude immediately decided this is the career path he would like to pursue. I can’t say I blame him. This guy was really cool to watch.


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This was my favorite part. The mini city. Incredible! Like a tiny KC with stadiums full of Chief’s fans and all. It would change from day to night about every 10 minutes too. That rocked!

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I can not even try to describe this. Holy Wizard of Oz accurate! Sheesh!




Giant ball pit/jungle gym type thingy, only filled with huge foam Legos.


Wishing we had more girls to play with…


I made a castle fit for a Lego Princess.


My sister made a funny.


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We even took a class taught by a Lego Master (which I think I am). We made hammer head sharks. It was cool.



Is this not a little boys dream?!

There were no fewer than 30 more pictures but they all suck the same as these so I’ll spare you. What else was there? A Lego Racers drag strip where you make your own car to race. A 4-D movie theater. We saw every movie they had. A Tower of Power tremble station where you build and earthquakes destroy you. Two nerdy little rides. Two clean bathrooms. A cafe. And last but not least a gift shop. Duh. I think I spent more there than it cost us to get in to the dang place!

A perfect mini vacation in early spring when it was still too cold out to do much of anything.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

K is for Kansas City

I love KC! The hubbs and I try and get there as often as we can to hit our favorite concert venue. It is a cheap one tank trip. Usually about three and a half to four hours drive.

Every once in while my sister and I like to plan something for our boys to do together. This year for spring break we hit the road to Kansas City. This lovely city I speak of not only has the second most fountains of any city in the world (Rome is #1) but every other hotel has a waterpark if you are out in the burbs. Home to the Great Wolf Lodge *swoon* and about 7 other indoor/outdoor waterparks.

We decided to stay at one of the cheaper spots because we had big plans for the next day (That will be my ‘L’ post!). The kids had a blast and I can’t count how many times we all did the giant slide, sister included. We stayed up until like 11:00 and gorged on pizza after our pool play.

It was freakin’ awesome! Check it out:









We were unsure of what my nephew’s reaction would be. This is his first time down and he does not look pleased but he bounced off and ran up for more! Champ.

I know this is not the best pic but did you see in the previous pic how the tubes go out of the building? Well, this is the outside!


Cousins. Sissy, I think we are in trouble.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

J is for Just Keep Swimming

Let me begin by saying that Finding Nemo has got to be my favorite Disney movie. Just love it.

Then let me say that we spent the day swimming. I think the tops of my thighs are burnt.

Right about there is where I spent my time frying today. A huge thank you to my Mother-in-Law! Not only do we get to spend time in the gorgeous oasis, we get on demand PBJ’s. ;)

“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”.