I came across this in my drafts folder. It has to be two + years old. I don't want to lose it and I could probably learn quite a bit from it:
Whoo. If someone would have told me how painful it would be to raise men when I prayed for a whole house-full of boys I may have... nope, never mind. I never would have listened.
Motherhood, in my opinion, is half heartbreak half pure joy. Emotionally speaking. The physical act of mothering is more about finding where that smell is coming from or who is to blame for the mess. But...The joy is in the big and the small and the heartbreak comes in ways unexpected. I ache to tell my boys things that they can only learn in due time. I find happiness in things that I know that don't matter to anyone but me. If I could I would save them from all of the painful life lessons that our days so unmercifully dole out. Time, she is a bitch. So as I sit here all teary eyed because I am just as emotional as my preteen but as stubborn as my 10 year old, I find I have quite a bit to tell them. I want to tell them all the future holds but honestly I don't know. If I could I would tell them all the things it has taken me a life to learn just to save them the pain of finding out. Dear boys, listen up!
There will be lots because you are a wonderful person. There will be all kinds; fun ones, honest ones, fake ones, loyal ones, casual ones, friends in passing, friends of friends, besties, frienemies, friends of all types. Friends are wonderful and they give us something to look forward to. They are a sounding board for ideas and a safe place to land. Some friends aren't even friends but more like family. Life would be so lonely without the people we friend. Value each one. The people that pass through our life all have a specific purpose. Some are here for the long haul and others are just there to teach us to let go. Friends have the ability of coming in and out of our lives. Some will stay and some are just passing through. We lose friends in the most unexpected and painful ways. The hazard of caring is that it has the ability to hurt us so deeply. Don't stop caring. But know this, Dude- people that make you change who you are do not fall in this category and do not deserve your energy.
There is no way I can make you understand how incredible you are. I tell you all the time that it takes a long time to find your voice, your self. Who you are today will only enhance who you become. We are always growing, getting better. I wish you would give yourself the respect that I know you deserve. It won't be until you are much older, much more fed up of all the bullshit, before you see just how amazing you are. Just you. Your brilliant mind, your witty sense of humor, your handsome face, your amazing kindness, and your ability to love fiercely. That cannot be measured. Only time will show you that you can love you just as much as I do because you deserve it. Do your best! Don't bend or break for anyone. Stay true to yourself and it will take you far.
There is never enough. It seems, at your young age, that everything is so final but time marches on. Things will change, better, shift, lose luster, heal, all with time. It will take a long time before you appreciate that. Spend it wisely.
Love is a mess, mister. Love is so hard to understand. It comes in like a storm and just like a storm has the ability to wipe the slate clean. Love is a feeling that we will sacrifice ourselves for. Love is something that you should never take for granted and sometimes the one you need to be loving is yourself. Give it out, it feels good, makes the world a better place, but don't forget to save some for yourself. And if ever you find yourself so in love that the only reaction is to hang on with both hands then hold tight, baby, and weather that storm. I have my hands around you, son. I love you so much.
I am writing this and aching because it is not my job to save you. I can not and will not swoop in every time things get messy or don't work out the way you had hoped. My very painful job is to let you learn these things for yourself and to nudge you in the right direction just before you completely lose your way. All of these things I can tell you won't make a bit of difference until you have learned them for yourself. You are a good person and adolescence is rough but the best things in life don't come easy. You will look back, as a man, and use these painful times as a reference not a stopping point. You are going to be just fine. You do you!