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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Shop with me.

A whole bunch of really exciting crap has been going on around here. We survived the holidays (all of them), my husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary, my little weirdo had another birthday, and we have all been-knock on wood-pretty healthy. But today I feel the need to enjoy a little ranting. So lets go shopping.

I do almost all, who are we kidding, the shopping for our household. I enjoy most of it. For the most part. There are only a few things I don’t enjoy, the top of that list being other people. I like to get in, get what I came for, and get out at the grocery store. Places like Target and (heaven forbid) Wal-Mart I sometimes browse, sometimes need to run in real quick. Then there are my trips to Home Depot or Lowe’s, Home Goods, Jo Ann Fabrics, or Michaels which I like to take my time. So why is it that the only people you see in the grocery store are the people that don’t really work there? Wal-Mart falls prey to this ridiculous phenomenon too. I am running in with my list and I can’t find that one item that would make my life and my list complete. Who do I see? Nabisco reps, the Pepsi Co. guy, the Hallmark lady, but not a single store employee. If I do by chance find an actual employee of the store I am in then he is the newest guy and got sent out to the aisles on a dare. He knows nothing. All I wanted is a freaking can of artichokes that are usually by the olives but that whole section was just recently relocated as per some genius who apparently does zero shopping in the store they make decisions for. My shopping trip has been extended by an unreasonable amount of time, I have walked an unnecessary five miles, and I give the whole experience an annoyance rating of pretty f*cking annoying.

On the flip side… lets start at one of those home improvement places. True story: I went in to Home Depot to look around. Weird, huh? I had a couple little projects in mind (don’t I always) and I had about an hour to blow. Upon entering I am greeted at the door. That was nice. No, I don’t think I will need a cart. No, I have not got a specific item I can have you point me to. Thank you. Then about seven feet from the greeter was another guy in orange. No thanks, I just walked in. No, I do not have a certain project I am working on. Then I successfully make it another eight or nine feet before a third Home Depot guy asks me all the same questions, as if from a script, only this one follows me. Seriously?! I figure with it being the beginning of the year they must have had some staff meeting about sufficiently getting into everyone’s business. This is slightly confusing to me since way back in the day when I did my short stint in retail we were coached that the customer will buy more sh*t on impulse if left to browse. Don’t get me wrong, it is nice to have an employee’s help when locating an item or asking advice. Bottom line: be available but let’s stop just shy of annoying. The barrage of questions turns to a comical level and I cave. I mentioned the one thing I need that I know they don’t have. Dummy spindles. *blink blink* Nuthin’. Ha! Then he wants to know all about why I need them. Sh*t. I explain. Then out of sheer kindness I endure an unnecessary 10 minutes looking at bolts that “might” work. WTF?! Let me assure you I am not lost in a hardware store. I am also not a total dip sh*t about my needs. So what is the dang deal? I was an unshowered, crazy haired, mid thirties mess so they didn’t mistake me for a Hardee’s commercial. I don’t get it. Whatever.

I am completely frazzled so I wander to the paint section to look around. There’s another one! Only this time I am positive it is in the employee handbook to be obnoxious because this one could have been my grandma. She says “Is there any specific project you are working on?”. So I let her have it. Eighty miles an hour. “Well actually… I just bought a brand new house and most of my walls are still white except the living room and the kitchen which my husband painted the most perfect color of tan that I picked out and I was thinking about doing the dining room in orange but not pumpkin more like rust but then I really like blue but do I go robin’s egg or navy-ish because it can’t clash with the light olive that I painted the office which is right across the foyer which is still white because I really want a yellow but not sunshine more like gold but not too gold because it has to go with the tan that we picked with yellow undertones because the tan I had in my old house was sort of peach so more like maize and then my youngest son really wants his room red but I really only want to do one wall in red and the rest in a light brown to stay with the sports theme we kind of have going in that pit of hell and then there’s my oldest who likes blue but I just did the boy’s bathroom in a pale blue to match the Angry Birds shower curtain that I had a great coupon for but isn’t gray the new hot color should I re-do the downstairs in gray even though I had already planned on a airy gray for my bedroom that I carefully picked off the white pallet to match my white and blue bed set which I also got a really great deal on so maybe I’ll just look around for a bit K?”. tee hee.

Crickets. This poor thing is looking at me like I have four heads. She opens her mouth. Then closes it. Then very delicately says “Here is a brochure of the latest interior fashions” and walks away. Thank you Jesus! That was fun. So I take my time looking at paint. Alone. *sigh* Then after a little while, and this always happens, I get confused by seeing a giant wall of paint chips so I take the few that I have in my hand and walk off to think. Walking in the lumber section so there is no color confusion while I think it happens again. This time another woman. I immediately look around for cameras. Is this a joke? Am I on Ellen?! I refuse her help two or three times and walk back to the paint center where the older lady and her younger co-worker have obviously been talking about me because they both have the look on their faces like “oh-sh*t-it’s-her” (hee hee) and I very politely and specifically ask for the color I decided would grace my dining room whether the hubbs likes it or not. Which turned out great, here look:


Just look at the color and stop judging. I don’t have many tablecloths that fit and I sure as hell don’t iron!

“But what about all the other places?” you might ask. Well, let’s see. In Jo Ann’s it is nearly impossible to locate someone who is not cutting fabric but if you do they will follow you around the store until you leave. Home goods? The employees there sneak around corners watching you but when you have a question they haven’t a clue. Sort of like they are fake employees or maybe name tag wearing security which in itself is hilarious because 80% of the stuff in there barely fits in my trunk much less in my pocket. My favorite place to shop? Garden Ridge for home decor, but you will need a shower directly after leaving and Whole Foods, but who can afford it?!

Now that I have said my peace… happy shopping!