Sunday.

I am in a list making mood today.

Shall we?

Things I don’t make a habit of doing:

• Eating raw meat. No thanks.
• Pissing off my boss. On purpose anyway. Or anyone, really. I’m just not that spiteful. If you get mad at me I can bet either I have no idea or it was an accident.
• Getting shitfaced. I just can’t hang anymore. Too old. Hangovers last for days now.
• Church. Let the judging begin…
• Going commando. Used to. Now I leave that to my little guy.
• Playing dumb. All dipshit moves are genuine.
• Lying.
• Planning long term. I’m a crammer. Work best under pressure.
• Paying too much for car insurance.
• Picking up strays. Dogs, cats, people… just can’t.

Horrible habits I wish I could break:

• Smoking. It is a disgusting chain sent from the bowels of hell that is wrapped around my neck. I could make excuses but the bottom line is I am weak. It is occasional and situational and smells like death. I hope I can kick it sooner than later.
• Dropping the F bomb.
• Nervous chatter.
• Checking F-ing Facebook. Man, I hate that shit!

I got up too early after working very late last night. That is the only thing I have to explain this lame post.

I pay enough taxes! (rant)

I do. I’m sure you do too. So I headed out to take advantage of the tax free weekend, like a dummy.

I have both of my little guys going off to school this year which means double supply list. Man, do kindergarteners need a ton of crap!!! I am not sure why I picked Saturday middle of the day to go, I just went. Stores were crazy, bins were bare, people as usual were ridiculous. I am on the wagon when it comes to smoking so I whole-heartedly feel I deserve a large congratulatory bouquet of flowers (like those little tiny girls in the Olympics that keep kicking gymnastic butt) for not landing in jail for slapping 78% of the store. Checkout people were excluded today, they are way underpaid.

I get coupons. I love them and use them a lot. Got some free pens, made money on some crayons, and kinda get high off it. What I do not understand is the people who have a cart full of school supplies that make it look like this is the last time school supplies will ever be sold. I am just nosey enough that I felt like asking today. Surprised?

The adorable woman (could have been Kelly Ripa’s stunt double) in front of me had a ton of stuff, like 30 composition books. So I said, being lighthearted and friendly “wow, you will never want for a place to write”. She was exhausted and kindly replied with a smile “yeah, this time of year is a pinch. I have eight children”. Holy Crap!!! She gets a high five, on the side, way down low without the you’re too slow! Then she realized she left her wallet in her other car and couldn’t even write a check (no ID) so she checked out and had to put things on hold so she could run back across town and comeback to get her stuff. I wanted to hug her. She was ok with it tho, packed up the three kids with her and apologized to the checker five more times. Poor thing.

WARNING!!! From this point on this becomes a charity rant so if you are easily offended please stop reading.

The person behind me had a cart full of colored pencils. Had to been every single one on the shelf. Like 500. At $.50 each. So I ask the smiley older couple if they were just big fans or were they donating to charity. They were very happy to tell me the stats of their organization, how great it felt to give, how they do it every year, how my kids were the same age as their grandkids, and so on. Forever. So I start thinking… what if I needed colored pencils? Thank goodness I didn’t, they had every one. But really, what if? I would have to spend the gas to come another day or go to a different store because all of the underprivileged children were getting theirs for free.

Easy now. I do quite a bit of charity work throughout the year and raise money for some organizations very dear to me. I now know why these two were hoarding school supplies, it feels good to give. We have also been the recipients of charity. When my son was diagnosed with Leukemia the “help” just swoops in and lands on your face. Not the “help” you would imagine (like your friends) but the kind who are perfect strangers and hold vigil next to your bed ready to throw Target gift cards and circus tickets at you. I declined much of it thinking surely there is a family that needs it more than we did. In hind-sight even with our wonderful health insurance my hubbs works so hard for, it did put a strain on us. We are, at the relentless insistence of the organization, going to let my son fulfill his dreams through Make-a-Wish. As a reach around we donate to them every year. We are thankful and proud. 

But I often think who gets to decide who really gets this other stuff? My husband spent the day helping out Habitat for Humanity and when the soon to be homeowners showed up they did so in an older but totally suped up Cadillac Escalade. Hmmm… they qualify for a free home and still can afford to gas that sucker up?! Doesn’t really sit right with me. I heard a story from a friend a while back about a woman she worked with, single mother of three, who uses the local Crisis Nursery as a weekend pass so she can get a break. You know, drop the kids off after work on Friday, get your toes done, go on a date, sleep in, go shopping, and pick them up on Sunday for church. That does not sound like a crisis. This one in particular really chapped my ass. I had just donated a large amout of cloth diapers, hand-made burp clothes and unused bottles to this exact charity. I thought they were going to help someone’s child who was in danger. Someone desperate with nowhere else to turn. Romantic aren’t I? Well it was a little bit of a shock. Don’t even get me started on the people who soak up government daycare assistance and live off unemployment so they can do nothing all day. I could actually go on all day. I am not beating on the people who actually need assistance, but how can you tell one from the other?

I have seen down on your luck and I am the kind of person to hand the guy at the stop light a sandwich instead of a dollar. I know I am okay for now and if I ever needed to I would ask for help. That is, after all, one of the reasons why I pay all these taxes, right?! 

This has the potential to go way off track (food stamps, WIC, free lunches, the ER…) so I will stop it now with this question: Are you thinking when you are helping or just handing crap over for the tax write-off?

I am not anti-charity, I just am pleading with you out there to be an educated giver and not a cash-cow. There are people who ride the system, free loading at every turn. Thieves who have perfected their craft. So when those of us who play by the rules need medical care, social security/disability, tuition assistance (or colored pencils for goodness sake!) it is already used up or unavailable. By all means if you need charitable assistance, take it! But those of you that are stealing through the kindness of strangers know who you are.

I think I’m done. And I feel waaay better.

Thanks.       

Wisdom in a cookie

We are Chinese buffet junkies. Embarrassing to admit. Just a little.

All American style Chinese cuisine, as you know, comes with a little yummy treat . In our little bite of cardboard like dessert comes a little scrap of paper. The fortune. Lately I have noticed they are a lot less of a fortune and just dribble. Maybe somethings don’t translate well. How is “you are charismatic and love broccoli” a fortune? Sounds pretty much like a statement not an insight into your destiny.

There are the few occasions that I really get a fortune. When these little bits of the universe land in my hands I almost always know it is special. I can read sixty two different fortunes, huff, throw them down with a couple bucks and walk out to enjoy my indigestion in the company of English speaking folks. When the real ones reach me I am impacted. I get goose bumps. It is more like a déjà vu feeling. Weird but not unwelcome. I am superstitious to a point and nostalgic so I keep the real ones in my wallet as a reminder.

Here, let me share a few:

• When life seemed really tough, with two small babies (one very sick the other still nursing), I was feeling sorry for myself. I was surrounded by people and so lonely. I was drowning in worry. I only functioned to keep things as normal as possible for the two dudes that my world revolves around. My fortune was
• I don’t know what prompted me to do it, right in the middle of all the chaos of life back then, but I decided to finish a degree. I had looked into the opportunities and knew I couldn’t attend traditional school with my responsibilities as they were and decided to look into online programs. My husband and I had a brief conversation about it over Chinese one night and I got simply
• Almost two years later with a tiny survivor heading off to Kindergarten and his little brother in a good routine. I was right on the verge of a diploma and my husband and I felt like we could breathe for the first time in a while. I received
• Then another whirlwind of life swept us up. The past couple years have been full of real high highs and low lows. We had just met with our leasing agent and were celebrating with Chinese buffet. I commented over dinner how I wished things could just level out and be quiet for a bit. Some normalcy would be really nice. I opened this

Holy crap! My camera skillz are off the hook! No judging. I think I may need to get my eyes checked too. Guess I’ll add Optometrist to the list. Sheesh.

 

Be it silly or not I think someone is trying to tell me something. Did you ever see that movie where the highway billboard talks to Steve Martin?! That’s me, only a much smaller scale and typical of a fat girl, my guidance comes in a cookie.

Summer…so far.

I have been in such a funk lately that I can not, under any circumstance, find anything to write about. This saddens me. I do, however, have a few gazillion (crappy) photos that will help remind me of all the really cool shit going on around here lately. This girl sure could use a reminder now and again just how good she’s got it.

Shall we take a photo tour?

Happiness is:

A parade with my four favorite tinys on the planet.

 

Did someone say double chocolate?! Themz ma skillz.

 

 

Eight billion bubbles.

 

A little crafty crap to keep me busy. (Preschool teacher gifts)

 

Old friends.

 

New ones.

 

Stingrays!!!

 

…and my beasts.

For the sake of privacy I excluded the seven dozen pictures of my parents, grandparents, and siblings. I love you all very much, too, but how long could you possibly stand this boring post?

Here’s hoping the rest of this summer is a good as the beginning.

Cool Beans

After what I would consider a pretty f*cking crappy day in the land of stay-at-home-mom, I sit here and think only a happy craft post will do.

It took me forever to jump into the land of Pintrest. I have like a dozen followers and can’t figure out why. I haven’t pinned anything! I happened upon this craftastic project through a friend. She had mentioned she wanted to try it. I thought “hell no” until I find myself with loads of craft energy and a tiny budget. Beans are cheap people! I decided to give it a whirl but mine turned out all brown and blue. Hers would have been way better in her butter yellow and sunny orange with a giant M and maybe a daisy or sunflower kind of way. But her birthday is coming up… shhh.

Here it is: the lima bean wreath. Quit. It ended up kinda cute.

I started with a foam wreath form. The one I bought was cheap and sorta square so I shaved off the sharp corners. There is no pic for this. Really, no one wants to see the Styrofoam snow mess that happened. Buy the rounded one. Trust me.

Then me and my trusty hot glue gun spent hours together.

Gluing the beans on…

(photo taken by five year old. pardon the blur)

This is no task for anyone with ADD or control issues.

Then I took that b*tch out to the garage and painted her blue.

A beautiful robin’s egg blue to which my ever supportive hubby said “really? really?!”.

I found this super simple letter at my local crap store and attacked it with some scrapbook paper and Modge Podge.

(the light in my dining room sucks!)

Now it is wearing chocolate brown with light blue squiggles. Ahhh, much better. Not perfect, but better.

A little brown and blue scrap ribbon I had left over from somethin’ else and it is hung.

I really needed a spring wreath. This will do.

Leap Day …

We get an extra day this year. Whoot.

Also known as St. Oswald’s Day, February 29th makes this year one with 366 days. Since it takes 365 days and 6 hours for the Earth to revolve the Sun we get an extra 24 hours of bliss once every four years or so. There is certainly a more scientific explanation to it than mine but I’m pooped.

I will be the first to complain that there are never enough hours in a day. So what did I do with the extra 24 handed to me? Nothing noteworthy, that’s for sure. I have been suffering a migraine off and on since about noon yesterday so the fact that I did anything at all is something to shout about. I drug my big butt to the gym, to the grocery store, to the other grocery store, and even picked up little man from preschool on time. Then I hit a brick wall. Nothing a pot of coffee can’t cure.

I should have been cleaning my horrid shower doors. Anyone who thinks it is a good idea to put clear glass in a shower door obviously never had to clean one. I am a nazi about the squeegee (or squeech, says the little guy), so much so that my husband is terribly annoyed by it. The next shower doors I buy are going to have squiggles. You know, the soap scum patterned ones.

Instead I deemed today a special little occasion and made Leap Day Lasagna! Yum!

Not baked yet…

It is no different than your everyday home made lasagna. The special part is I only make it about as often as we get an extra day in our calendar year. The kids will groan, the hubbs will inhale, and I will have way too many leftovers.  

I relaxed over a sink of dishes. Yup, you heard me. Wait, now that I hear me it sounds really weird. There is just some calming property to hand washing dishes (when you don’t have to all the time) that I enjoy. Don’t ask.

Now in addition to the shower doors and putting away about 8 loads of laundry, I have to contend with this:

And this will just have to take a number:

(supposed to be black, yikes!)

What did you do today? Any ladies propose to their dudes? Anybody have unusually good/bad luck?

I normally don’t get very many comments but I would love to hear how you spent our extra day this year…

This will make you fat.

It has been a very looong weekend. My little guy turned 5 on Saturday and I planned, executed, and survived one hell of a birthday fiasco. We had two grown up parties and one bounce-house kiddiepalooza in two days. Sheesh!

I made two of my favorite appetizer dishes this weekend and I am going to try my hand at a food post. If you know me then you know my camera skillz are almost as bad as my hair, don’t judge.

The reason I want to share these two recipes is because they are so dang easy it is a sin not to. That, and they are 100% of the time a crowd pleaser. I am not a food blogger, nor do I wish to be, so please try not cry when I leave out the handy printable recipe cards at the end of this post. Just take a few notes as you read and prepare to astound your hungry guests.

My ever supportive hubbs says that everyone in the entire world already knows these recipes. But the house is so quiet and my Bailey's and coffee says go for it anyway. Suck it.

Here we go…

SPIN-ART DIP

  This is the uncooked version. When it is baked it gets all golden brown around the edges and has a bubbly delish surface.

Since I am not a professional, I forgot this pic before we stuffed it into our faces like it was fat free. Deal.

 

First you need:

1 Box frozen chopped spinach

1 Can artichokes

3/4 cup mayonnaise (I use Duke’s it’s the best)

3/4 cup grated parmesan cheese

3/4 shredded Monterey Jack

Garlic powder

I used garlic salt here, it’s what I had.

Throw both cheeses and the mayo in a big ol’ bowl.

There are a few staples in my kitchen. The large glass mixing bowl from Pampered Chef is one of those things. I will mention a couple more that I can’t live without later on.

Next goes the garlic powder. About this much, but not much more. I don’t really measure this step ‘cuz I don’t really care.

Yes, my hands are clean… and red. Huh.

Drain and chop your artichokes all mean like.

You need to thaw out the spinach. Squeeze the water out. I always put it in the microwave and end up burning the crap out of my hands draining it.

 

Even though you bought chopped spinach you need to chop it up too. If you don’t it makes the dip all stringy instead of creamy.

 

Then you throw them into the bowl and stir it all up.

See that spoon-ula? Also Pampered Chef. We are in love. The brand doesn’t really matter, I lucked into this one and it is one fantastic tool that I use for everything.

Spread in a baking dish. Put in a 350 degree oven for about 25 minutes or until it gets all bubbly and the edges get crispy as I mentioned before. You can make this way in advance since it will just sit in the fridge, for days even, and patiently wait to be heated without breaking down. I love an obedient dip.

I serve mine with anything that will hold it. Favorites include: Wheat thins, corn chips, Triscuts, pita chips… whatever really. It is so yummy no one really cares about the vehicle of delivery. So freakin’ easy!

Next…

BLT DIP

 

Another must-use-every-time-I-cook item came from my in-laws. See it up there in the corner? They are the huge, super thin, dish towels from Target. Not cheese cloth but thin. They come in a pack for like $3 and are as big as bed sheets! My Father-in-Law gave me a set and I love them. I am not much for using paper towels (unless I am draining fried crap) so I always have a dish towel nearby. These rock! 

My husband was very sure in his “everybody has this recipe” comment about this one. I think that is probably true, but it doesn’t hurt to share. Why this is called BLT dip I will not figure out. There is no “L” in my version. There was a similar version to this that did have lettuce and my lovely boss used to painstakingly stuff cored out cherry tomatoes with it. I, however have an attention span that will not allow this kind of culinary magic. Besides, then people would just pop them in thier mouths without ever stopping to appreciate how dang long it took to make.

So we keep it simple:

One pound bacon (I use the real pig stuff, yum)

Two large tomatoes

Mayonnaise

I always cut my bacon in half. It makes it fit in the pan better so I can…. wait for it…

FRY THAT SH*T!

Go ahead. Have your coronary infarction and come back to me. I actually have a theory on bacon cooked other ways but that, my friend, is a whole ‘nuther post in its self.

Yum! Perfect.

Let it cool a sec and chop your tomatoes in the meantime. This is where I add other things to the simple but perfect dip recipe introduced to me by my hunny’s Aunt. I just can’t leave well enough alone.

This time I used green onion. Sometimes I use grated Asiago cheese. Sometimes it gets loads of black pepper. Once I used minced garlic, which I don’t suggest.

Now chop that bacon. Fine or coarse, doesn’t matter for either the bacon or the tomatoes, you choose.

Put it all in a mixing bowl with some mayo… then a little more…

until it looks like dip.

TA DA!

I like it on Melba toasts but you can literally use just about any bread/cracker/spoon. I had a little leftover once (very rare) and spread it between slices of toast for breakfast (oh, shut up). It refrigerates well and will definitely make you fat.

Neither of these recipes were really recipes since according to my baby daddy you all knew them already anyway. These are not culinary challenges. They are simply crowd pleasers that help me to build a bigger muffin.

Drop me a line and let me know what ya think.

Enjoy!