Monkey see… Monkey do.

In this case I’m the monkey. So more like: Mommy see, Mommy do.

I am guilty of having an addiction to Pintrest. I have an account, I look at pins, I even follow a bunch of friends, I am a pin for goodness sake! However, I do not pin anything. It is strange, I don’t have a good reason. My only logic is that it is a huge commitment. Whatever.

But that does not stop me from attempting awesome crafty projects inspired by pins. I have tried a couple things. Take a look:

 

Ahhh… the lima bean wreath. I was actually pinned with this one. A complete stranger liked it enough to pin me to her Pintrest board and I got like 15 comments, 67 likes and 71 re-pins. And that is all. That is the extent of my fame.

In a side note: I have already started to re-vamp this bee-ach. I ripped all the brown and blue paper off of the C and am in the process of spraying the wreath white. It did not weather well. Needs a little love. I am going to doll it up for Christmas. Bet’cha can’t wait.

 

Crayon monograms for my little beast’s preschool teachers.

 

This one is on my door right now. I love it and it was so freaking easy. It was time consuming but required zero skill. I would love to make one in every color. That easy.

 

Speaking of zero skill… these calendars were fun and fast. I got these great frames at the Goodwill (GW, G-dub) for three bucks a piece. They were horrid, contained totally 80’s pictures of wagon wheels and watercolor barns, and were hideous colors, but they are solid wood so they had to be bought. And sprayed black. The colorful insides I stole. Go ahead call the Feds. Wal-mart carries Better Homes and Gardens paint. The BHG paint chips have punch out circles in them. I thought that was so cool and used them for the days of the week.

The blue one is in my kitchen and the green I made for my wonderful neighbor. Now we have the appearance of organization. Baby steps.  

 

My handwriting rivals that of a blind three year old, but I guess you can see that.

 

Don’t laugh. This is made of toilet paper rolls. I got the idea from this site, which I found on… you guessed it: Pintrest. I will eventually spray it white (looks like I’ll have a white day with my TP and my bean wreath) and hang it in my downstairs bathroom. I think it is appropriate.

Happy Pinning!!!

Spring re-cap… So out of order.

I put this post together a while ago, like when it was spring. For some weird reason I never posted it. Can’t explain.

Right now on the last day of August, coincidentally also a blue moon, I am feeling nostalgic for long sleeve weather. I miss my jeans, man! It does not help that it has been raining buckets all day.

So here…

We are always so busy around here. I’m sorry, did I say busy? I meant lazy, or maybe a perfect combo of the two.

Let me ‘splain. We are always running but don’t really do anything significant. We are moving but have no schedule or organization. I fly by the seat of my pant most days. The days in between I’m usually hanging by my fingernails.

Maybe some pictures would help:

   

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

C’mon cooler weather!!!

Totally Hoosier vacation.

Simmer down. We went to Indiana. tee hee

This is how it started off though:

               

Yup. That’s how we pack it up for the weekend.

We went at the insistence of our neighbors to enjoy the awesomeness that is southern Indiana. Down there in the bottom between Evansville, IN and Louisville, KY is Santa Claus, Indiana. There really isn’t anything around but we went for what was inside. We checked in to the Lake Rudolph campgrounds. I couldn’t make this up if I tried take a look.

We rented RVs to stay in and just like at home we had two other families with us right next door.

 

We traveled with six adults, six children, three cars, and enough crap to fully stock three houses for four days. Sheesh!

We set up our temporary homes the first night. Then early the next morning we enjoyed a community breakfast and headed straight for the fun. Holiday World!!! I, of course, do not have pictures of this entire day because it was spent in a water park or on a roller coaster. I would invest in one of those waterproof jobbies but as I have said before I am no professional. Besides, I was having way too much fun to stop and click. This wonderland has won more awards for both the park and individual rides than I can name. The Travel Channel has included two of our favorite rides in their top ten shows just this month. Which brings me to the scarring of our youngest child.

We Arrived just before the water park opened. Enjoyed a free soda (they were everywhere! free sunscreen stations too!!!) while we waited for the gates to open. Then we were off! Let me admit that this is the first water park I have ever been to. I have lived within driving distance to one my whole life but busy schedules, tight budgets, and poor body image has always kept me away. So it was a first for many of us on our trip. Ok, just me and four kids under 8. Whatever. So needless to say we were super excited.

We headed for this ride called the Wildebeest. (side note: we made jokes about how they spelled the name wrong. thought sure it was spelled like beast. looks like the joke is on me. duh.) It has been voted #1 water coaster in many different publications. It is long, scary, and shit fast. Here’s what the park has to say: 

Wildebeest begins with a conveyor ride up the water coaster’s lifthill. Following the four-story drop at a 45-degree angle, linear induction motors (LIMs) propels the four-person boats up seven additional hills, through two underground tunnels, and around a helix. Wildebeest covers more than two acres; its top speed is 36 feet per second. Wildebeest’s tallest elevation is 64 feet higher than its lowest drop and takes longer than two minutes to complete.

So after dropping the littlest kiddos and one parent off at the wave pool the rest of us agreed this was gonna be killer. Even my little guy wanted to ride. He just met height requirements and frankly- I had no idea. He took off in the raft ahead of ours with my hubby and I went with our older son. This ride was crazy! You had to almost lay in it toboggan style, it got so much air I was freaked, and the drops were so massive I couldn’t find the air to scream. There was water splashing in your face while trying to hang on to the handles, which along with the help of physics was the only thing keeping you in. It was rough. And awesome… until we got off. My big dude was all “I don’t think I ever want to do that again” and my little dude was pale. I am pretty sure it scared the piss out of him. We all made a big deal about how much fun we had but he stood still, pouting, and when I asked him if he were ok he punched my leg and started to bawl. Poor little guy. My husband and I were instantly handed our “Parents of the Year” plaque and sent on vacation to Hawaii for being such awesome role models. Not really.

In reality little dude spent the rest of the day being unable to trust us. Bummer. We assured him that everything else was lame compared to the Wildebeest but would you trust us after that? Neither did he. We did talk him into a few, then a few more, and I think by the end of the day he had a pretty good time.

We hit the rollercoaster side after lunch. The girls got stuck with the little dudes and the guys took our daredevil tweens on the big coasters with them. This caused a minor “hey no fair” riff that the guys were almost oblivious to but in the end I didn’t mind. I get all wobbly and pukey after big coasters anymore. I used to be just like those daredevil tweens but in my old age I think I over think it and make myself sick. Whatev. 

Back to the RV!!! 

All prepared for an awesome dinner after eight hours of exhausting fun and it starts a torrential downpour. So after a change of plans or two we were on to plan C in which we eat tomorrow’s lunch for dinner. So… twelve tired and starving people ate in a tiny trailer. The most amazing thing? We were stuffed, happy, and comfortable. I am convinced that with this posse I could take over the world!

The next day we hung around the campground. With a beer in hand we spent the whole day at 12mph. This is a golf car community!

We swam.

    

We cruised.

 

We golfed.

Then it hit me as we were playing that I would be totally absent in the memories of this trip if I stayed behind this dang camera. I asked my son (the older one!) to snap a picture of Mommy so I could be in the album too. I get this:

“Take another in case the first didn’t turn out”…

 

Seriously?!?! Are you f*king kidding me?! I cracked up and explained that it would be nice to see Mommy’s face in a photo. Though it is pretty hard to mistake my awesome physique for anyone else. I am a pretty unique shape. Ugh.

Here’s one of me. I swear I was there!

Yep, that’s a disco ball. 

Then that night there was a golf car parade around the campground. Everyone showed. We broke records. All the carts were decorated. What a blast!

Party by the fire that night. Threw in my flip-flops. Then after breakfast we  caravanned home. Since we weren’t quite sick of each other yet we sat out that night and over a couple beers we started planning next year. I can’t wait!

Jill of all trades… Master of not much.

I do a lot of “ oohhh I can totally do that” or “ I should be making those”. I am pretty crafty but I don’t have a ton of time to be super creative. I can take a project idea and spin it into my own. I usually tweak a design here and there to make it mine. I just finished a super easy, very cheap, and adorable wreath for my front door.

Let’s take a look. Shall we?

 

The only ingredients are cheap straw wreath ($2.99), cheap yarn $1.98), and cheap felt ($.28 each x3). Seriously.

Leave the plastic on the wreath and wrap it with the yarn. You can do that without a picture.

Felt flowers are really right now. Things like that are much better explained by this lady. She is a wizard with some felt.

Ta da! Check out my little felty flowas!!!

 

 

 

I love these. They are so easy. I would love to make them in every color!!!

Sunday.

I am in a list making mood today.

Shall we?

Things I don’t make a habit of doing:

• Eating raw meat. No thanks.
• Pissing off my boss. On purpose anyway. Or anyone, really. I’m just not that spiteful. If you get mad at me I can bet either I have no idea or it was an accident.
• Getting shitfaced. I just can’t hang anymore. Too old. Hangovers last for days now.
• Church. Let the judging begin…
• Going commando. Used to. Now I leave that to my little guy.
• Playing dumb. All dipshit moves are genuine.
• Lying.
• Planning long term. I’m a crammer. Work best under pressure.
• Paying too much for car insurance.
• Picking up strays. Dogs, cats, people… just can’t.

Horrible habits I wish I could break:

• Smoking. It is a disgusting chain sent from the bowels of hell that is wrapped around my neck. I could make excuses but the bottom line is I am weak. It is occasional and situational and smells like death. I hope I can kick it sooner than later.
• Dropping the F bomb.
• Nervous chatter.
• Checking F-ing Facebook. Man, I hate that shit!

I got up too early after working very late last night. That is the only thing I have to explain this lame post.

I pay enough taxes! (rant)

I do. I’m sure you do too. So I headed out to take advantage of the tax free weekend, like a dummy.

I have both of my little guys going off to school this year which means double supply list. Man, do kindergarteners need a ton of crap!!! I am not sure why I picked Saturday middle of the day to go, I just went. Stores were crazy, bins were bare, people as usual were ridiculous. I am on the wagon when it comes to smoking so I whole-heartedly feel I deserve a large congratulatory bouquet of flowers (like those little tiny girls in the Olympics that keep kicking gymnastic butt) for not landing in jail for slapping 78% of the store. Checkout people were excluded today, they are way underpaid.

I get coupons. I love them and use them a lot. Got some free pens, made money on some crayons, and kinda get high off it. What I do not understand is the people who have a cart full of school supplies that make it look like this is the last time school supplies will ever be sold. I am just nosey enough that I felt like asking today. Surprised?

The adorable woman (could have been Kelly Ripa’s stunt double) in front of me had a ton of stuff, like 30 composition books. So I said, being lighthearted and friendly “wow, you will never want for a place to write”. She was exhausted and kindly replied with a smile “yeah, this time of year is a pinch. I have eight children”. Holy Crap!!! She gets a high five, on the side, way down low without the you’re too slow! Then she realized she left her wallet in her other car and couldn’t even write a check (no ID) so she checked out and had to put things on hold so she could run back across town and comeback to get her stuff. I wanted to hug her. She was ok with it tho, packed up the three kids with her and apologized to the checker five more times. Poor thing.

WARNING!!! From this point on this becomes a charity rant so if you are easily offended please stop reading.

The person behind me had a cart full of colored pencils. Had to been every single one on the shelf. Like 500. At $.50 each. So I ask the smiley older couple if they were just big fans or were they donating to charity. They were very happy to tell me the stats of their organization, how great it felt to give, how they do it every year, how my kids were the same age as their grandkids, and so on. Forever. So I start thinking… what if I needed colored pencils? Thank goodness I didn’t, they had every one. But really, what if? I would have to spend the gas to come another day or go to a different store because all of the underprivileged children were getting theirs for free.

Easy now. I do quite a bit of charity work throughout the year and raise money for some organizations very dear to me. I now know why these two were hoarding school supplies, it feels good to give. We have also been the recipients of charity. When my son was diagnosed with Leukemia the “help” just swoops in and lands on your face. Not the “help” you would imagine (like your friends) but the kind who are perfect strangers and hold vigil next to your bed ready to throw Target gift cards and circus tickets at you. I declined much of it thinking surely there is a family that needs it more than we did. In hind-sight even with our wonderful health insurance my hubbs works so hard for, it did put a strain on us. We are, at the relentless insistence of the organization, going to let my son fulfill his dreams through Make-a-Wish. As a reach around we donate to them every year. We are thankful and proud. 

But I often think who gets to decide who really gets this other stuff? My husband spent the day helping out Habitat for Humanity and when the soon to be homeowners showed up they did so in an older but totally suped up Cadillac Escalade. Hmmm… they qualify for a free home and still can afford to gas that sucker up?! Doesn’t really sit right with me. I heard a story from a friend a while back about a woman she worked with, single mother of three, who uses the local Crisis Nursery as a weekend pass so she can get a break. You know, drop the kids off after work on Friday, get your toes done, go on a date, sleep in, go shopping, and pick them up on Sunday for church. That does not sound like a crisis. This one in particular really chapped my ass. I had just donated a large amout of cloth diapers, hand-made burp clothes and unused bottles to this exact charity. I thought they were going to help someone’s child who was in danger. Someone desperate with nowhere else to turn. Romantic aren’t I? Well it was a little bit of a shock. Don’t even get me started on the people who soak up government daycare assistance and live off unemployment so they can do nothing all day. I could actually go on all day. I am not beating on the people who actually need assistance, but how can you tell one from the other?

I have seen down on your luck and I am the kind of person to hand the guy at the stop light a sandwich instead of a dollar. I know I am okay for now and if I ever needed to I would ask for help. That is, after all, one of the reasons why I pay all these taxes, right?! 

This has the potential to go way off track (food stamps, WIC, free lunches, the ER…) so I will stop it now with this question: Are you thinking when you are helping or just handing crap over for the tax write-off?

I am not anti-charity, I just am pleading with you out there to be an educated giver and not a cash-cow. There are people who ride the system, free loading at every turn. Thieves who have perfected their craft. So when those of us who play by the rules need medical care, social security/disability, tuition assistance (or colored pencils for goodness sake!) it is already used up or unavailable. By all means if you need charitable assistance, take it! But those of you that are stealing through the kindness of strangers know who you are.

I think I’m done. And I feel waaay better.

Thanks.       

Wisdom in a cookie

We are Chinese buffet junkies. Embarrassing to admit. Just a little.

All American style Chinese cuisine, as you know, comes with a little yummy treat . In our little bite of cardboard like dessert comes a little scrap of paper. The fortune. Lately I have noticed they are a lot less of a fortune and just dribble. Maybe somethings don’t translate well. How is “you are charismatic and love broccoli” a fortune? Sounds pretty much like a statement not an insight into your destiny.

There are the few occasions that I really get a fortune. When these little bits of the universe land in my hands I almost always know it is special. I can read sixty two different fortunes, huff, throw them down with a couple bucks and walk out to enjoy my indigestion in the company of English speaking folks. When the real ones reach me I am impacted. I get goose bumps. It is more like a déjà vu feeling. Weird but not unwelcome. I am superstitious to a point and nostalgic so I keep the real ones in my wallet as a reminder.

Here, let me share a few:

• When life seemed really tough, with two small babies (one very sick the other still nursing), I was feeling sorry for myself. I was surrounded by people and so lonely. I was drowning in worry. I only functioned to keep things as normal as possible for the two dudes that my world revolves around. My fortune was
• I don’t know what prompted me to do it, right in the middle of all the chaos of life back then, but I decided to finish a degree. I had looked into the opportunities and knew I couldn’t attend traditional school with my responsibilities as they were and decided to look into online programs. My husband and I had a brief conversation about it over Chinese one night and I got simply
• Almost two years later with a tiny survivor heading off to Kindergarten and his little brother in a good routine. I was right on the verge of a diploma and my husband and I felt like we could breathe for the first time in a while. I received
• Then another whirlwind of life swept us up. The past couple years have been full of real high highs and low lows. We had just met with our leasing agent and were celebrating with Chinese buffet. I commented over dinner how I wished things could just level out and be quiet for a bit. Some normalcy would be really nice. I opened this

Holy crap! My camera skillz are off the hook! No judging. I think I may need to get my eyes checked too. Guess I’ll add Optometrist to the list. Sheesh.

 

Be it silly or not I think someone is trying to tell me something. Did you ever see that movie where the highway billboard talks to Steve Martin?! That’s me, only a much smaller scale and typical of a fat girl, my guidance comes in a cookie.